Thirteen
by porterwine
Summary: The thirteen things the Doctor hates, and the thirteen things the Doctor loves. Rated T for Master/Doctor and other things.
1. The First

**Thirteen things the Doctor hates and thirteen things he loves.**

* * *

The First

Right now he's only sixty- very young. The sixties are an embarrassing time in every Time Lord's life, one decade that they all wish they could forget.

In fact, Theta can remember stories of the Elders' time in the sixties.

Borusa, for instance, his teacher at the Academy, has let slip more than one story about his own boyhood and Theta snickers every time afterwards with his friends.

Right now, though, he thinks the strange colors and peace signs are cool. Sort of like a painting, or maybe the rug of colors in Rassilon's Great Hall. Drugs are a bonus- for all the highs he's gotten with Koschei and Rani with them versus the "Ultimate High only Knowledge Can Get You" from the Prydon Academy, he'll take the drugs.

Theta jumps from the roof of Lungbarrow, intending to go 'play' with Koschei... After all, his parents weren't home.

* * *

"Happy Looming Day, Susan," he congratulates his granddaughter as she blows out the candles on her cake, an Earth tradition she's been caught up in. Everything now is Earth this, Earth that. Frankly, he's tired of it, and tries to suggest they should leave here, but he doesn't have the hearts to. Since they've left Gallifrey, she's usually one of the things he can't say no to.

She is what he loves.

Susan grins as he cuts her a slice and hands it to her, waiting politely for Barbra and Ian and himself to get a piece.

"What's a Looming Day?" Ian Chesterson asks after Susan takes a bite.

The Doctor has decided to be grumpy right now, for Time Lord traditions are not something he'd like to share, but of course Susan does not take the hint.

"Looming is my people's equivalent of birth," Susan said. "We celebrate it, just like humans do their birthdays. Today I'm sixty!"

"I wanna look that good when I'm sixty," Barbara muttered with a smile.

"Now, my dear," the Doctor said, standing. He pretended not to notice Susan's eye roll. "Enjoy your time as a growing sixty year old, and do not be reckless as I was."

Susan giggled. "Oh, do tell, grandfather," she said.

The Doctor ignored her comment and cut himself another slice of cake.

"Come on, Doctor," Ian said, joining Susan in her infernal affairs. "We've all done something embarrassing in our teenage years, what is your experience?"

The Doctor regrets speaking.

"Grandfather, please? As a present?" Susan pleaded. He sat down with a humph.

"As a present, I will indulge you," he said to Susan, not bothering to wait until later to tell her, for Ian and Barbara would never let him hear the end of it until he told them.

"Yes!" Susan cheered, making herself more comfortable. Ian and Barbara did the same.

"Once when I was a little boy," the Doctor began, "Around your age, I think. I went to the Prydonian Academy."

"What's that?" Barbara asked.

"The Academy for young Time Lords to get educated," the Doctor explained. "For my chapter, at least, the Prydons."

"Oh," was all she said, and the Doctor continued.

"I went to the Prydonian Academy with your uncle Koschei. And we got into lots of trouble."

"With Borusa?" Susan asked.

"Among others, yes," the Doctor said. "But with Borusa the most."

"Borusa was Grandfather's chapter tutor," Susan whispered to the two humans left out of the loop. "They didn't like each other much."

"He never believed I was much of anything," the Doctor said. "So I wasn't, and I failed all my classes. Except mathematics and languages."

"Did they have a driving a TARDIS class?" Ian asked.

"Yes," the Doctor said. "And I failed."

"That explains a lot."

The thousand-year old man glared at him.

"Sorry," Ian said, throwing his hands up, grinning. Clearly he was not.

"What about Uncle Koschei?" Susan asked, bringing the attention back to the story.

"Your Uncle Koschei and I would play by the river of Lethe some days before school," the Doctor said, staring thoughtfully into literal space through the scanner.

 _"Oh, Rassilon, Koschei," Theta said as he zipped up his pants, "Where do you learn that?"_

 _Koschei smiled, emerging from the bushes that the two had previously been mingling in. "Places."_

 _Theta smacked him._

 _"Where are your robes? Did you not bring them today?" His friend asked._

 _"Nah," Theta said. "I got tired of wearing those. Harder to get off."_

 _"You're harder to get off," Koschei complained. "I spend half my energy trying to make you happy."_

 _Theta grinned, shrugging on his hoodie. He leaned in to his friend's face, close enough for Koschei to feel his breath._

 _"Not to worry," he said, crashing their mouths together. They pulled apart after five minutes, their underdeveloped respiratory bypass systems giving out earlier than a regular Time Lord's would._

 _"I guess," Koschei panted, "We have time for another one."_

 _Theta toppled his friend to the ground, grinning, his hair flopping in his face._

 _"We're the Lords of Time," he said. "We have all the time in the universe."_

"And did you get in trouble for being late?" Susan asked, bringing him out of memory.

"All the time," the Doctor said. "We would often get reprimanded and be made to clean the mess hall."

There was silence for a moment, before the Doctor made his way to his room. "Do not be reckless as I was, my dear," he said. "One day, it will come back."

He didn't wait for a reply before he made it to his bedroom on his beloved ship, and flopped down and thought.

 _"Why do we do this, Theta?" Koschei asked as they both knelt, scrubbing the floor._

 _"Do what? Scrub the floor? 'Cause we're late, dumbo."_

 _"No," Koschei said. "I mean... the other thing."_

 _Theta sat back on his haunches, dipping the sponge into the bucket and rinsing it._

 _"I dunno," he said. "Once I read that humans do it because they love each other."_

 _"But we're not humans," Koschei said._

 _"And it feels good," Theta added, rubbing vigorously. "Since everybody's loomed, then we can't reproduce by this, and so we do it because it feels good."_

 _Koschei hummed in thought._

 _"Plus, when we do it in a more public area, I've heard it's more dangerous."_

 _Koschei looked up at his friend, grinning. "What do you mean by that?"_

 _"Well," Theta said, dropping the sponge and moving closer to his friend. "I mean we don't have to do it just by the River."_

 _Koschei let Theta climb on top of him, pinning him down. "Really?"_

 _"Yeah," Theta said, making sure to 'accidentally' prod the sensitive space of his friend with his knee gently. Koschei whined and closed the gap between him and Theta._

 _Theta didn't make it last long and broke the kiss to bite down his neck, making him moan. Theta smiled to himself when he felt the hard bump from between both of their legs, and he humped ever so slightly, moving away before Koschei could get any purchase._

 _"Theta," Koschei whined, and Theta grabbed his head and kissed him so hard that he'd have shared oxygen just to keep it going, to make it last._

 _As it was, Koschei heard someone coming down the hall and quickly righted himself, taking up the sponge once again. Theta did the same, grinning at his friend._

The Doctor sighed, making sure the humans had gone to bed as well as Susan.

This is what he hated.

 _"Theta, do you love me?" Koschei asked when they were back in their form that night._

 _"Of course," Theta responded easily, hanging off his bed by one arm._

 _"Like, really love me?"_

 _"Yeah," his friend said, wondering what this was about. "Why?"_

 _"We should do it for so much more than pleasure," Koschei said. "If you love me, why don't we ever go... further?"_

 _Theta smiled. "What does that mean?"_

 _"It's just so fast now, and quick make out sessions in the closet between classes. Why not... make it real?"_

 _"It is real, 'Chei," Theta said, climbing into Koschei's bunk. "I love you. And if you want to make it real, then you tell me how, and we will."_

 _Koschei smiled. "Promise?"_

 _Theta crossed his hearts. "Promise."_

 _"I... I know how, I think," he said. "To make it real."_

 _"Alright," Theta said, a hill already forming in his earth-brand pants. "How?"_

 _"Start calling me The Master."_

That is what the Doctor hates, and also what he loves. He hates that he loved his friend so much that he became insane. And it was his fault.


	2. The Second

**ME NO OWN DOCTOR WHO**

* * *

He wakes, and vaguely he remembers Pen and Bolly- or is it the other way?- and he's exploring this new body he's got.

Two arms, two legs, one head. Just what he'd wanted!

And then, of course, here comes the Sleep- no, no he doesn't want to sleep, he wants to go out and be young again, and he realizes that he doesn't have to be anywhere near as grumpy as he was, and he tells himself never to do that again. Ever.

Since discovering Earth, he's figured out that there is so much more to life than sitting in one place and looking, watching. Earth has taught him of that, and now he's going to live lives to the fullest. That's why he likes humans, you see, because they're always doing something, whether it's sleeping or working or dying or crying or laughing, they are always doing something, and it's a fresh fresh relief from the Time Lords on Gallifrey, and he's glad to get away.

He's decided to become like them, to learn from them, to learn all about their little bits and odds and ends and why they do things the way they do. He's decided to take on human friends- imagine! What would Koschei say to alien friends?- and learn from them, see what they eat and what they don't. What they do, how they do, and most importantly, _why_ they do.

That's what he loves, at least in this face, he's decided. He used to love Koschei but he's gone, so he'll love the good things in this life, the things that intrigue him and make his brain turn. What's a life if you can't think, all you do is sit and watch and be? Why wouldn't you go out and do things and make a name of yourself even when your original is gone? Why sit and watch when you can go and do? That's his promise, that he won't just sit and watch, he'll go out and save and do, and he will never ever turn back on that because he will- and does- love the humans.

Right after, of course, this floor stops falling up at him and after he stops being so tired, and after he's got some rest, and maybe some running-

Then he hits the floor and blacks out.

Again.

* * *

He's aged three years since that day he made that promise- three years, and now it's time for his exile. He's said goodbye to his friends, and they've gone to live out their lives in blissful ignorance of him, and now he sits before the High Council as they judge his actions and decide his fate.

He's just explained model train sets to them, to see if they've figured it out yet, that he's not guilty of anything, that he's just been around having some fun, but they don't understand.

"And the Earth is your model train set?" The Inquisitor (rather rubbish name if you asked the Doctor) inquired.

"Well, no. I mean, I am fond of it. And you've seen what the humans are like- you've had to ship enough of them home." He counters the instinct in every Time Lord such as himself: the instinct and desire to rule, to oppress, to take, and to rule and sit and watch.

Clearly, the Inquisitor did not get the hint from this, and merely said, "They are a race of warriors."

Which, admittedly, was true, because they were fascinating little people who went to war over a crop of rice (little bits of white stuff that when boiled tasted very good with just about anything, and when not boiled they were still good to snack on, but Jamie had said they weren't for snacking when the rice wasn't boiled, but of course he didn't listen) and then who decided they could unite in any situation and remind themselves why they survived.

"But aren't you supposed to be observers?" The Doctor asked, leaning forward as well as he could with his hands kept behind his back with handcuffs engraved with sigils.

"You lot, you really could look a little closer. Even in battle, they stop to play a game of football when they live in horrible conditions under the rule of horrible people, and then they go and invent the post office during their wars. And the mother's couldn't protect their boys, so they send cakes- yes, these earthlings make quite good cakes, better than us, anyway, and they learn how to make the best out of something bad. And go set a man down on a desert island, and he'll make himself right at home."

"Indeed?" The Inquisitor inquired.

"Yes. I must go see more of it, one day, when I get out of here." He jingled his cuffs, and the Valeyard standing just behind him smacked him on the head. The Doctor glared at him.

"Very well. Your wish shall be granted," the Inquisitor said after a few moments of discussion with the rest of the High Council.

"R-really? You're going to let me go, then?"

"Not entirely," he said. "We have noted your interest in this... Earth, and we have decided to send you there."

"I hope you'd've noticed," he muttered.

"But when you get there, the secret of the TARDIS will be taken from you."

"What?!" The Doctor exclaimed. "No- surely you can't, don't exile me to one century one a primitive planet!"

"You will remain as long as we seem proper," the Inquisitor said.

"But! But I'm known there! It would be very awkward! You can't just decide my fate!"

The Inquisitor's eyes hardened. "Your appearance will change, and it will do so again. As for deciding your fate, well," he paused, then used all of his insufferable Time Lordy-ness to look higher and mightier.

"I will do what I deem necessary."

As the second is dragged away and is painfully forced to become the third, his last thought is _he hates the Time Lords._


	3. The Third

**When the Doctor is speaking to himself, please keep in mind it's all in Gallifreyan but translated to English in this particular fic.**

* * *

It drives him _crazy._

Literally probably will drive him crazy. Insane. Irrational, paranoid, nuts, senseless, deranged, mad, psychotic.

Whatever the word is, that is what he is right now, and will be for the rest of the time he's stuck here, without the knowledge of the TARDIS.

He wants to scream in frustration, so he does. He sneaks out the window. And he goes into the field he was first found in. And he screams.

Because he doesn't have the secret of the TARDIS. And without that, he has no time sense. And without his time sense he doesn't know what the exact time is right now, or where he is, or which rotation the Earth is on around the sun.

It's like being blind. Explained as this: get a mate, get them to tie a blindfold around your eyes and go places based on their description. Hard, isn't it? That's what it was like.

This is what the Third hates.

"Doctor?" A voice comes from beside him, a small voice he's come to learn and love, the voice of Sarah Jane Smith.

He doesn't answer her call, only turns his face up to the sky and stares at the constellation of Kasterberous.

"Doctor, what was that screaming?" Sarah Jane sits beside him, far away enough that they can still speak but giving him the aloneness he needs. After a moment he sighs and turns to her.

"That was me," he said softly. "I'm sorry if I scared you, Sarah Jane."

"Oh," she says, getting closer, and he doesn't protest. "No, you're fine. I was just woken by it and came to see what it was."

He nods and stares up at the sky. Sarah yawns beside him.

"Is that- is that your home, Doctor?"

He sighs again (he seems to be doing that a lot) and points to the side of a small, far-off galaxy barely visible. "Right in there is my home planet," he says.

"Do you miss it?" She asks quietly.

"I'm not sure," he replies, and he loves his human, his Sarah Jane, because she always knows what he's feeling and how to go about approaching it. So human.

Beside him, she shivers.

"Oh, I'm so sorry," he says, immediately taking off his cape and wrapping it around her. "I'm sorry, it is cold out, isn't it? How unkind of me."

Sarah Jane didn't protest. "It's alright," she said. "Aren't you going to get cold?"

"No, I'll be quite alright," he says. "Time Lords have lower body temperature than humans."

"Oh," Sarah yawns and leans into him, effectively covered by the cape easily three sizes bigger than her. "You're really quite warm, but okay."

He chuckles.

They sit in silence again, and she breaks it after too long. "Why were you screaming?"

"Because everything is wrong," he says. "It's off. Not right. I can't do it, Sarah Jane."

"What's off?" She asks.

"Time," he replies. "I have this thing- I can sense time with it. It's like a watch ticking inside your head, and now they've gone and taken it."

"Hmm," Sarah Jane says. "I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault," he says. "I deserve to be exiled. I did something against the laws of my people."

"What?" Sarah Jane asks tiredly.

He laughs softly. "I left Gallifrey."

She nods and again they fall into silence, before she asks, "What was it like there? On Gallifrey?"

"Why are you asking?" He asks, but not because he's offended. Because Sarah Jane can't ever go there, and she's asking about a place for all she knows is a terrible, tyrrany-ruled planet he's come from.

"Because," she yawns again, "When I miss something, I remember it and all the good things that were there. And then I'm not sad anymore."

This is what he loves. His human Sarah Jane always knowing what to say and do when he's sad and doesn't even realize it himself. She's so human, and can always see his emotions, no matter how well he tries (and ultimately fails) to hide them. If he didn't know better, he'd say she's telepathic.

"I've never thought of it like that," he says, and a small smile graces Sarah's face.

So he begins to tell a story about Gallifrey, his childhood and his home.

He talks on and on into the night, almost forgetting Sarah Jane is there and instead talking to himself, and periodically responding. When he brought up Borusa, the past two incarnations scoffed angrily, shouting blasphemy at him until he changed the subject.

"...We used to run under the red skies, shouting at the sky, and then we'd go and find honey to eat," he said, and now he'd taken to absentmindedly stroking Sarah Jane's hair as she slept.

 _Yes, and then we'd go to the river to play,_ his grumpy old first self said.

"I've chosen to forget that, which means you've chosen to forget that, so don't bring it up," he said, irritated that he'd bring up his own misdemeanors while doing something so helpful to cure homesickness.

 _We need to be more happy. Listen more._

"We've just had your turn, don't go telling me what to do," he countered his second self.

 _I did it better than both of you,_ his first self said.

"ANYWAY," the current version said, not loud enough to wake Sarah Jane, but loud enough to realise she'd fallen asleep because she didn't react.

"Sarah?" He whispered. "Sarah."

She mumbled in her sleep a bit, but didn't wake. He looked at her peaceful face and smiled.

"Let's get you inside, eh? It's too early in the morning for someone like you to be out here."

He picked her up and headed inside slowly. "Guess I bored you with all my talk of Gallifrey. Once you get there, it's really quite amazing."

He stopped, frowning. "If you get there."

Eventually he'd tucked her into her own bed, deciding to leave his cape with her for the moment. He'd get it back in the morning.

"Thank you, Sarah Jane," he said, kissing her softly on the forehead before leaving.


End file.
